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My story:

We were sitting in a busy family restaurant on a Friday night when it was my turn to have the kids for a weekend. My son, 9 at the time, announced to me grandiosely: “Mom, I know how babies are made!”. To which I replied: “tell me too, I also want to know”! In his explanation to me, I realised very quickly that 1) he was clueless and 2) we were in too public a place to have any part of “the talk”.

When we arrived home and had some alone time, I took the opportunity to realign his misinformation. I had always been very intentional about being “totally normal” when talking about body parts and body changes and kept my facial expressions in check as much as possible whenever these topics or conversations arose. I wanted these kinds of talks to be the same as talks about why the sky is blue or how to hold a crayon. Totally natural. No face grimaces or beating around the bush. And this was the start of my, now 9-year, journey with my children and their sexuality. I did wait for the opportunity to present itself, because in some it way, it always will, I have found. Having said that, research indicates that sometimes it doesn’t and we as parents have to make an opportunity exist. Either way, when it presented itself, I grabbed it.

What the internet says:

I was hoping to locate a statistic that says that, “x amount / percentage of youth are uninformed or misinformed about sexuality and puberty”, but I have not been successful in finding such information. What I can find is that that time in an adolescent’s life is awkward. And all indication is that if you as the parent are not comfortable talking about puberty and sexuality, then your child will not be able to follow your lead in being comfortable about it. Awkward will then just get more awkward.

Tips for setting yourself up:

1. Be intentional as early on as you can. When the time comes to start talking about the more “difficult” aspects, it will not feel strange or weird for you or your child if you have already had a rather nonchalant approach. Name body parts by their name, as much as you can and as age appropriate as you can. When asked a tricky question, answer as appropriately as you can, within a comfortable setting i.e. the drive home from school with a younger sibling in the car is not a comfortable setting.
2. Check your facial expressions. Nowhere on your face should it say, “this is uncomfortable for me, let’s just push through”.
3. When the opportunity strikes, use it. Or lose it. You don’t when the chance for that important learning will come around again. And, chances are, you also then don’t know what strange misinformation your child is getting from friends.
4. Have a plan with your partner. The opportunity could arise when you are not around. In my case, I was the only parent, with the occasional insights from my mom in some discussions (imagine that picture! See the “Talk about condoms” post for more insights), but I did keep the children’s father updated of our chats. Up to a point.
5. “The talk” is not one talk. It is a conversation, that ebbs and flows as more information comes to light. Resist the urge to bombard your kiddo with ALL the information in one sitting. Answer the relevant to then question, expand as much as is contextual and then wait for the next encounter. The conversation will pick up again. The most important bit is that you have started and the door is now open for any further questions or conversations in future.

My story:

Between my 2 children, my son, the older by 3 years, is the softer natured but very structured one. My daughter is driven by facts and nothing seems to put her off in terms of textures and tastes. My experience has been that with my daughter I started at menstruation whereas with my son, I ended at menstruation. Over the many conversations we had, I did not mention menstruation with my son until (I still maintain this always happens) the topic came up. Take a look at the post about “Menstruation for boys” for that story.

Because my son is a structured kiddo, but sensitive, I knew I needed to start the first conversation gently. By the age of 9 for many adolescent boys, they are very aware of their body “bits” and have experienced penile erections. And in my case, was very aware of pleasure sensation. The thing is, they don’t know why the erection occurs, or what it is used for. For me, it was easier to start there. It does not matter how you decide to explain the act of intercourse, decide on a way that makes you feel comfortable. For ideas, see my post, “We do WHAT? – explaining intercourse”. It also does not matter how you decide to explain that female body has a uterus that houses an egg that needs to be fertilized by sperm which is housed in the male body and transported by semen into the uterus.

What does matter is that he understands the body function of his part, including the role of the testes, and how natural it is that erections happen. It was super important for me that my son understood he was very normal, and that these changes happen to all adolescent boys and he should not feel weird or alone. Also, for me, the Christian background allowed me the opportunity to explain how great the Creator is in designing him so specifically for this function that he would be able to perform.

This will be the beginning of the barrage of questions. Or not; some adolescents need time to internalize what they have heard, others immediately have questions. I found my son had more questions about the physical aspects. I will talk more about these in future posts.

My son began to share so much information at this point, I was just taking everything in like a sponge: what the boys at school were already talking about, what they were experiencing, masturbation, what is natural, what is healthy etc. I was so taken aback that this was already the point my son was at. These questions and answers will also be shared in future posts.

Tips for setting yourself up:

1. Practice what you will say. I realise this sounds crazy. I had a “broad plan” that I had written down. Just in case. It helped me.
2. Stick to facts as much as possible. The facts lead to questions and the questions will provide you an idea of where your child is in his (or her) journey.
3. If it helps you, use diagrams or draw some kind of pictures. I wish I had kept the rough drawings I had of my explanations. Looking back now we might find it funny. But in the moment, I found that a legal pad and a pencil helped my explanations.